The Nairobi City By-Laws that Never Were

Well, you have all heard about the proposed Nairobi city by Laws, currently awaiting approval by the Local Government minister. The proposed laws seemed to be quite comprehensive, and ranged from simple laws governing traffic-lights-conduct to the outrageous ones which seek to limit the behavior of city dogs. We here at gramware have been having a feeling that some of the laws on dogs were referring to a word used to co-notate the gender of a female dog; and commonly used to refer to human beings with outrageous behaviours.

Still, we think that there are some laws that city hall missed, and we decided to list some of them here. Most of them might be outrageous, and probably a reason why they didn't make the cut. Here they are:

It shall be illegal for a city Resident to stop on a street to stare at a video screen for a period of time longer than 15 seconds. any resident contravening this shall be charged with obstruction.
Pedestrians within the city shall attempt to walk in almost a straight line. Any pedestrian who walks in a wavy line of a distance less than 10 metres shall be charged with obstruction.
Handbags within the city centre shall be limited to a gross weight of not more than 1000 grams. Any bag that exceeds this limit shall be qualified as luggage.
Any resident that attempts to use an umbrella should exercise due diligence and care so as not to poke other peoples eyes or to drip on them water.
All conversations that exceeds 80 decibels shall be considered as screaming, and if made at such a time that does not warrant screaming, shall lead to the owner been liable to a charge of noise pollution.
All city residents shall be required to skip showering at least once a week and at most thrice a week. This is in order to assist in water conservation measures within the city. Any resident who omits a body smell that shall be found to constitute an oduor shall be charged with chemical pollution. Please note that certain brands of perfume and petroleum jelly shall be considered as an oduor due to their smell.
Any resident not experiencing armed robbery in a period of 365 days shall be arrested on suspicion of been an armed robber. With the crime rate in the city, it is expected that all law abiding citizens should fall victims to armed robbery at least once an year.
All laptops carried within the city should be carried in a shoulder bag. The bag should be clearly marked with the make of the carried laptop, or a closest fit, such that the bag will be recognizable from a distance of not less than 10 metres.
Motorists not hooting in a jam shall be charged for behavior that is conducive to obstruction of other road users.
All tourist of Caucasian origin within the city shall be required to take a morning jog at least once a week. This shall be termed as a CSR activity that goes in encouraging Nairobi residents to keep fit.
Motorists shall drive at such a speed that will make it dangerous for residents to cross the road in built up areas. In case of a traffic jam, motorists will be required to drive as close as possible to the vehicle in front of them. This will restrict pedestrians, who are the main course of traffic jams, from using the road.
All shops that sell a certain product shall be required to sell similar makes of the product to their competitors. The product sold shall also be cheap enough to guarantee that the product will be of poor quality. This will create more jobs in repairing and re-purchase of such products, in line with vison 2030.
Matatus that have been on the road for a period of not more than one year shall be required to over-lap and drive off road in case of a traffic jam. This is to ensure that the passengers reach their destination in time. Such matatus are also allowed to drive on the wrong side of a one way street.
One in very 5 commercial buildings shall be required to be painted in an advertisers brand, especially a mobile phone company. This is in line with beautification of the city.

We wish you all the best in your endeavors to obey the new by laws. Remember to carry enough money to facilitate payment of on-the-spot fines.

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