Skip to main content

Shitting Allowances, Sitting Allowances & Committees

This country seems to have a lot of problem with shitting allowances. A lot of our problems may be as a direct result of these shitting allowances.

 

Starting with the Prime minister, he was at it last week complaining about the absence of shitting allowances. He was quite angry at the lack of a shitting allowance at the podium, together with lack of an ample walking allowance. Apparently, he wanted to be provided with a shitting allowance like the president who has ample shitting allowance at the back of the podium. He was so angry that he started addressing the residents about the "kamkeka" and "bila choo". He forgot that the residents he was addressing did not have any shitting allowance, or any other allowances such as food.

 

As we wonder why the provincial administration did not provide the Prime Minister with a shitting allowance, let us question ourselves why the prime minister was in dire need of such an allowance. Let us form a commission of inquiry, and give them hefty sitting allowances to investigate the PMs dire need. We seriously need to investigate what our dear PM had for lunch, or breakfast, such that when he arrived for the meeting, the first thing he noticed was the lack of the shitting allowance. We may also task the committee with finding out why the PM was longing for a carpet. Maybe the PM thought that he was at his native Kibera  constituency  and he was afraid of stepping on human excreta, abundant in some sections of the constituency due to a toilet shortage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

As we said, the committee will earn high allowances just like other committees in the country do. My local town council has an excellent track record of the various committees that it has formed, and the much allowances that they have earned. But that is just a drop in the ocean, compared to the many committees that we have formed since independence o investigate our various wrong doings and preventable disasters. The committees are meant to be an avenue to use up the sitting allowances that are allocated in our budgets. One of our national pastimes is the creation of such committees. We should form a committee to investigate the various committees that have existed since the white man gave us independence which has enabled us to exercise our committee forming rights.

While at  it, we should also form another committee to investigate why Kenyans are very talented in looting public coffers. Our talent is so massive that we might never run out of people to replace our politicians who we call evil. We are good at calling our politicians synonyms of the devil, but go on to wonder why that friend of yours who is the town council or public hospital clerk is not reaping from helping people around the contracts at a fee. Given the chance, you would make sure that you earn more than your daily cut from your employer through irregular means. It seems that we will need foreigners or foreign means to tame our massive national looting talent. The Chinese might do, given that they dispatch people who exercise such talents to the next world.

It is the same talent that the first president of our beloved country exercised in the name of reaping the fruits of our fight-for-freedom. It did not bother the guy that those who actually fought our way to freedom did not have a piece of land, nor enough financial capital. This did not stop us from naming him one of our best heroes, if not the best. Watching TV the other day, I heard someone saying that the reasons that our country has got many problems is because of the curse left by the disgruntled freedom fighters. We should also form another committee to investigate those claims, and remember to pay them hefty sitting allowances for their spectacular job.

Hope that you have a great week, and that the PM will observe his diet before visiting areas that suffer from inadequate shitting allowances.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                     

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nairobi's Top 4 Texas Brisket Places Reviewed and Ranked

Brisket on a bed of roast vegetables with barbecue sauce at Texas Brisket, Kikuyu  This review has been updated after a number of you suggested I try the brisket at County2County.  What's the best place to have Brisket in Nairobi? What's even brisket?  Brisket is one of the toughest cuts in a cow, from around the belly. It is so tough that it has to be smoked for about 16 hours to tenderise. But that there, is the catch.  12 to 16 hours later, it is the most flavourful and softest cut you will ever have. So full of flavour and so soft you can pick it apart with your fingers.  However, due to the long cooking time involved, only a few places offer brisket in Nairobi.  The best so far is Texas Brisket which is located within Kikuyu Railway station.  They do the meat for a proper 16 hours, and will usually have a fatty or non-fatty portion. The fatty portions are more tasty. A 500 gram serving goes for KSh. 900 and a 1 KG order comes with a serving of fre...
Post a Comment
Read more

Miss Kerigo : Why so serious?

Sorry for using a Wikipedia image, but after going through my few photos from Primary school, other than spotting don't-touch-my ankle trousers which exposed my red socks, I also look high in most of them. Miss Kerigo was too serious for photos. Today was a holiday, Eid Mubarak, in honour of our Muslim segment of Kenyans. Notice how the Kibaki government never announces random holidays  - this one was announced almost a month in advance. The previous Moi one was a show stopper, throwing employers' plans into disarray as he announced National holidays by the roadside amidst 'traditional dancers' who would later receive wads of cash in envelopes. Imagine some foreigner planning a business meeting in Kenya weeks in advance only for it to fall in a last minute holiday. Back to the holiday, it is a day when one wakes up at 8 Am , only to go back to sleep for an additional 2 hours, oh the bliss. So after doing the above today morning, I woke up, and noticed th...
Post a Comment
Read more

Beers of Kenya. The Ultimate 2019 Guide

Four years ago, precisely in 2015, I wrote about beer in Kenya in what has gone on to be my most popular post this year with more than 5,000 people reading it. It seems that there is a lot of interest in exploring beer in Kenya, which is understandable. The brewing sector has grown since then and we now have lots of options, which means it is time for another review. Back in 2015, Kenya had one major brewer - EABL/KBL, challenged by Keroche and Sierra which is more of a small volume craft brewer, and arguably Kenya’s first craft brewery. It had also been joined by Brew Bistro which mostly sells its malted stuff at its outlets in Nairobi and later by Sirville, a bar located at Galleria Mall. Sirville was later sold to Brew Bistro and converted to the latter for a while, before shutting down in what is alleged to be a tax dispute.
Post a Comment
Read more

Beers in Kenya: A sober opinion

Note: This is a dated post and has since been mostly passed by events. SAB Miller beers including Castle and Peroni are no longer widely available in Kenya after their exist. Sirville Brewery was bought out by Brew Bistro before being permanently shut in a tax dispute. Kenya is a land of milk, honey, beaches and taxes. I have penned, or is typed, a newer post here .  Peroni - One of the best beers in Kenya. Did a taste of canned and bottled Italian, and bottled Tanzanian I like the tangy flavour and body in Tanzanian Peroni. The can is close. Heineken drinkers will like the Italian one.  I have had a short beer swigging stint in my life. It has however been long enough for me to share my opinion of Kenyan beer. Interestingly, over the course of sharing such opinions with other drunkards connoisseurs,  I have found that we all have different views as to what beer is the best, which one makes you too drunk, or which one gives one free, extra hangover for every ha...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Stone Age

Examples of stone age tools used in current dcision making As I was walking along a certain street in Kahawa Wendani, i had to tread slowly on stones that had been laid on the road by a contractor who was paving the road on behalf of a certain supermarket. On a parallel street, another supermarket had paved the road all the way to its parking. This got me thinking that road construction has now turned from been a government affair to a private enterprise affair. I thought the reasons that private enterprises were now taking to pave roads is because of failure of state organs to do their jobs.This is because the concerned state organs are stuck in a stone age. Wikipedia defines "stone age" is 'The Stone Age is a broad prehistoric time period during which humans widely used stone for toolmaking'. For this article, we shall define the stone age as a current time frame during which humans widely use stones for decision making or exist in an environment similar to one expe...
Post a Comment
Read more