Skip to main content

Shitting Allowances, Sitting Allowances & Committees

This country seems to have a lot of problem with shitting allowances. A lot of our problems may be as a direct result of these shitting allowances.

 

Starting with the Prime minister, he was at it last week complaining about the absence of shitting allowances. He was quite angry at the lack of a shitting allowance at the podium, together with lack of an ample walking allowance. Apparently, he wanted to be provided with a shitting allowance like the president who has ample shitting allowance at the back of the podium. He was so angry that he started addressing the residents about the "kamkeka" and "bila choo". He forgot that the residents he was addressing did not have any shitting allowance, or any other allowances such as food.

 

As we wonder why the provincial administration did not provide the Prime Minister with a shitting allowance, let us question ourselves why the prime minister was in dire need of such an allowance. Let us form a commission of inquiry, and give them hefty sitting allowances to investigate the PMs dire need. We seriously need to investigate what our dear PM had for lunch, or breakfast, such that when he arrived for the meeting, the first thing he noticed was the lack of the shitting allowance. We may also task the committee with finding out why the PM was longing for a carpet. Maybe the PM thought that he was at his native Kibera  constituency  and he was afraid of stepping on human excreta, abundant in some sections of the constituency due to a toilet shortage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 

As we said, the committee will earn high allowances just like other committees in the country do. My local town council has an excellent track record of the various committees that it has formed, and the much allowances that they have earned. But that is just a drop in the ocean, compared to the many committees that we have formed since independence o investigate our various wrong doings and preventable disasters. The committees are meant to be an avenue to use up the sitting allowances that are allocated in our budgets. One of our national pastimes is the creation of such committees. We should form a committee to investigate the various committees that have existed since the white man gave us independence which has enabled us to exercise our committee forming rights.

While at  it, we should also form another committee to investigate why Kenyans are very talented in looting public coffers. Our talent is so massive that we might never run out of people to replace our politicians who we call evil. We are good at calling our politicians synonyms of the devil, but go on to wonder why that friend of yours who is the town council or public hospital clerk is not reaping from helping people around the contracts at a fee. Given the chance, you would make sure that you earn more than your daily cut from your employer through irregular means. It seems that we will need foreigners or foreign means to tame our massive national looting talent. The Chinese might do, given that they dispatch people who exercise such talents to the next world.

It is the same talent that the first president of our beloved country exercised in the name of reaping the fruits of our fight-for-freedom. It did not bother the guy that those who actually fought our way to freedom did not have a piece of land, nor enough financial capital. This did not stop us from naming him one of our best heroes, if not the best. Watching TV the other day, I heard someone saying that the reasons that our country has got many problems is because of the curse left by the disgruntled freedom fighters. We should also form another committee to investigate those claims, and remember to pay them hefty sitting allowances for their spectacular job.

Hope that you have a great week, and that the PM will observe his diet before visiting areas that suffer from inadequate shitting allowances.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                     

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Comments

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beers in Kenya: A sober opinion

Note: This is a dated post and has since been mostly passed by events. SAB Miller beers including Castle and Peroni are no longer widely available in Kenya after their exist. Sirville Brewery was bought out by Brew Bistro before being permanently shut in a tax dispute. Kenya is a land of milk, honey, beaches and taxes. I have penned, or is typed, a newer post here .  Peroni - One of the best beers in Kenya. Did a taste of canned and bottled Italian, and bottled Tanzanian I like the tangy flavour and body in Tanzanian Peroni. The can is close. Heineken drinkers will like the Italian one.  I have had a short beer swigging stint in my life. It has however been long enough for me to share my opinion of Kenyan beer. Interestingly, over the course of sharing such opinions with other drunkards connoisseurs,  I have found that we all have different views as to what beer is the best, which one makes you too drunk, or which one gives one free, extra hangover for every hangover you get
Post a comment
Read more

Kenyan products: The art of punishing your consumer

This post was written in 2011. Facts may have and indeed have changed - but the conclusion has not.  Dormans instant coffee tastes better than Sasini instant coffee. Ramtons electronics are manufactured for Kenya's Hypermart Limited, yet maintain a high product quality Peanut butter used to taste so good, but you could not afford it on the pocket money that you got back in school. A few years later, you have your first real job and your first "disposable" income. You buy your first real tub of peanut butter, probably the first in your life. You feel proud that Dominion peanut butter is manufactured in Ruiru, a town that you visited in your campus days to withdraw your pocket money, it was the nearest bank ATM to your campus.  This was before Equity bank became a mainstream bank and decided to open an ATM in your campus, and before M-Pesa meant that you
Post a comment
Read more

Heineken 0.0 Best Alcohol Free Beer

What if you wanted to drink a beer, but without getting drunk? Say, you don’t drink alcohol, or for one reason or another, you are off alcohol. Or perhaps it’s a working day, and you would like to have a cold one in the middle of the day but without all negative effects. Well, you could. Welcome to the world of Alcohol-free beer.  Over the last few days, I’ve been enjoying some Heineken 0.0 rather than the typical beers. Now, Heineken 0.0 is a beer, in the malt lager style as the standard Heineken, the only difference being that all the alcohol has been removed - it contains less than 0.03% alcohol, which counts as safe enough even for those who are pregnant or affected by alcohol, according to Heineken. It smells very close to a Heineken, tastes close to a Heineken, and you even keep taking a piss like you would when drinking a Heineken - but you never get drunk.  How do they remove all the alcohol? From my research, they brew a standard Heineken beer as normal, then use some form
Post a comment
Read more

The bitter story of the downfall of Mumias Sugar company

A spoonful of sugar, but for who? ( Image: Carol Wallis on Flickr ) Have you heard the bitter story of Mumias Sugar? Regarded by many as Kenya's most successful sugar miller, Mumias Sugar Company was a disaster waiting to happen. Many pointed out how Mumias Sugar Company was a fortress in the wreck that is Kenya's sugar industry, only unaware that it was just a matter of time. As the old wise men said, "Ukiona cha mwenzako cha nyolewa, tia chako maji". The proverb means that if you see your neighbour's head getting shaved, your head will soon be undergoing the same - you'd therefore better wet your head for a smoother shave, otherwise you will be forced to undergo a painful, dry, shave. But what ails Kenya's sugar industry? The Kenya sugar industry is under legal siege. The typical Kenyan issue of coming up with laws to tackle a problem is evident here. Many of Kenya's sugar factories are owned by the government, and have slowly decline
Post a comment
Read more

A to Z of Girl Pick-up Lines

Girl,  You are like a breath of fresh air , like an outstanding piece of Art in an art gallery  There are many things you and me can be, but it puts a smile of satisfaction on my face and a smile of envy on my buddies faces that you both beautiful and bootyfull  E ither your creator must have taken the greatest care creating you or your cheated your way around heaven, 'coz you clearly the prettiest girl on earth  D on't ask why my breathing quickens every time I see you; setting my eyes on you makes me feel like I am drowning in your beauty, I have to catch my breath   Exciting, Exotic, Elegant, Electrifying ; so many definitions in english , but when it comes to the human race, girl, you are the one and only definition of all the above  W hen I say you are fly , it may be due to the sensation of flying off the ground that I get when I am around you. Some girls are beautiful, a few are decent, even fewer got class; I didn't know I could find all this qualities in one gir
Post a comment
Read more