Skip to main content

25 things about Kenyans.

1. This is a cheer leading nation, we will turn up in large number to cheer for anything, especially if there is something foreign about it. Examples include docking ships carrying military hardware that belongs to neighboring countries, foreign soccer matches aired by now-defunct foreign companies, overturned trailers carrying fuel meant for foreign neighbors etc.
2.Kenyans love drinking, there are no official drinking days; why should there be one . Beer is cheap(yeah, cheaper than soda)
3.Kenyans love free things and offers. Even illiterate Kenyans can read free. Never offer Kenyans anything for free, and expect them to stick around after it is no longer free. they will simply move on top the next free thing. Furthermore, there a national law stating that anything offered free should be free forever.
4.Kenya has among highest number of thieves per capita. In fact, their numbers are so high that they have managed to successfully infiltrate all sectors of the country , managing to export excess services. Do not even trust the police, it is largely infiltrated.
5.Kenyans love certificates. Be it one of death, marriage, observance & cheer leading(1 above), recognition of the exemplary volunteer services(but they will only volunteer if you offer them e certificate).
6.Kenyans love reading; this is only on condition that they will be examined, and you will issue them with certificates.
7.In Kenya, many people, especially women consider “flashing” as a fundamental human right.
8.In Kenya , Prime space is considered as any piece of land that is 0.5 meters off a road, railway or directly beneath high voltage power lines. The right of any Kenyan to posses this land at no or minimal cost is another fundamental right .
9.Kenyans work to get paid. Customers and clients have no direct connection with an employee, they are just random elements that the employee interacts with in their daily quest to get paid.
10.The Nairobi stock exchange is a market consisting of people who believe they can get rich in a second, and people out to rob others. Those are the only two you can find in the NSE.
11.Been a Kenyan, you shall agree that the Kenya Power & Lighting Company has a legal monopoly to supply, interrupt, under-supply and over-supply power at its own discretion.
12.Kenyans do not have any interest whatsoever in the economic state of the country. Even if the economy collapsed today, no one would notice. What we are really interested in, is the political state of our country. We are sensitive of every political statement, misstatement etc. We will believe in our God-Given leaders to lead us along the path they choose, economically.
13.In Kenya, 2 categories of vehicle have absolute right of way: The President's motorcade and Matatus. For matatus, the right of way extends to pavements, trampling of passengers, and driving the wrong way.
14.Kenyans believe that multinational software and music companies operate in Kenya as Open Source Companies & institutions. The same applies to local musicians . Therefore, Kenyans believe that they have the absolute right to copy, distribute, re-distribute and bootleg copies of the companies. works.
15.Only , and I repeat only a Matatu conductor is allowed to walk around carrying several thousands in cash in his hands, displayed for all to see. Even an insurance company would be comfortable with that. Anyone else trying this shall be subject to consequences of 4 above.
16.The main function of the Kenyan Police is to protect matters of National Security. They are also allowed to define what falls under National Security.
17.In Kenya, polythene papers are termed as biodegradable. Just throw them out of your car window, or drop them at your current location. Nature will take care of the rest.
18. Kenyan children are small little devils that deserve to be tortured by been made to study late into the night , then wake up early in the morning to continue with this studies. This devils should also have also have limited holidays, lest they forget that they have to study hard to achieve Vision 2030.
19.Kenyans are very social people. Furthermore, the girls are quite cute. Strangers will; respond to greetings, greet you, and welcome you especially upcountry(unless its around election time and you do not meet the minimum tribal requirements). Socializing with Kenyans is one of the best events south of the Sahara, especially with respect to 2 above.
20.Kenyans are always willing to lend a hand. This is quite true especially in accident scenes, where Kenyans in 19 and $ above will be quite willing to relieve you of your suffering and belongings respectively. Now, if only those who rush to relive you of suffering would learn a few first aid skills, maybe we would reduce the number of people in the spinal injuries ward at Kenyatta National Hospital.
21.In Kenya, Road infrastructure is not a high priority area. After all, how would we be able to know whether the car manufacturers claim of its features are true if we did not offer all Kenyans an equal chance to try this out.
22.In foreigners (especially from the “West”) we trust.
23.The Nairobi City Centre is a collection of thousands of small stalls dealing with same product, small, tiny shop after another, and a few banks. If you are looking for other enterprises, they are well spread around the city, with some in Upper Hill, others on Mombasa Road and others in Westlands.
24.When shopping in Kenya, cost comes before quality. This is despite the cost still being triple the buying price. If you are looking for quality, we wish you the very best, as all shops will stock the same exactly products.
25.In Kenya Disasters are bad misfortunes that rarely occur, and are beyond our control. In that case, we will not bother preparing for them , or taking any precautions whatsoever. We will pray(on the few times that we do so) so that a “muhadhara” can not get us, and we will ask for aid(22 above) . Such disasters include hunger(in Ukambani), floods (in Budalangi) etc. I will avoid mentioning the risk of a fire, coupled with strong dry winds occurring in one of the highly populated estates east of Moi Avenue, where buildings are one continuous mass, occupying any space that once existed.

Comments

Lily said…
What? This is soo sooo so true(84.93% of it) but one would have to be idle to compile the whole list...
Cheers Gramware, very entertaining!

Popular posts from this blog

Nairobi's Top 4 Texas Brisket Places Reviewed and Ranked

Brisket on a bed of roast vegetables with barbecue sauce at Texas Brisket, Kikuyu  This review has been updated after a number of you suggested I try the brisket at County2County.  What's the best place to have Brisket in Nairobi? What's even brisket?  Brisket is one of the toughest cuts in a cow, from around the belly. It is so tough that it has to be smoked for about 16 hours to tenderise. But that there, is the catch.  16 hours later, it is the most flavourful and softest cut you will ever have. So full of flavour and so soft you can pick it apart with your fingers.  However, due to the long cooking time involved, only a few places offer brisket in Nairobi.  The best so far is Texas Brisket which is located within Kikuyu Railway station.  They do the meat for a proper 16 hours, and will usually have a fatty or non-fatty portion. The fatty portions are more tasty. A 500 gram serving goes for KSh. 900 and a 1 KG order comes with a serving of free fries. Their brisket has a wel

Beers in Kenya: A sober opinion

Note: This is a dated post and has since been mostly passed by events. SAB Miller beers including Castle and Peroni are no longer widely available in Kenya after their exist. Sirville Brewery was bought out by Brew Bistro before being permanently shut in a tax dispute. Kenya is a land of milk, honey, beaches and taxes. I have penned, or is typed, a newer post here .  Peroni - One of the best beers in Kenya. Did a taste of canned and bottled Italian, and bottled Tanzanian I like the tangy flavour and body in Tanzanian Peroni. The can is close. Heineken drinkers will like the Italian one.  I have had a short beer swigging stint in my life. It has however been long enough for me to share my opinion of Kenyan beer. Interestingly, over the course of sharing such opinions with other drunkards connoisseurs,  I have found that we all have different views as to what beer is the best, which one makes you too drunk, or which one gives one free, extra hangover for every hangover you get

The bitter story of the downfall of Mumias Sugar company

A spoonful of sugar, but for who? ( Image: Carol Wallis on Flickr ) Have you heard the bitter story of Mumias Sugar? Regarded by many as Kenya's most successful sugar miller, Mumias Sugar Company was a disaster waiting to happen. Many pointed out how Mumias Sugar Company was a fortress in the wreck that is Kenya's sugar industry, only unaware that it was just a matter of time. As the old wise men said, "Ukiona cha mwenzako cha nyolewa, tia chako maji". The proverb means that if you see your neighbour's head getting shaved, your head will soon be undergoing the same - you'd therefore better wet your head for a smoother shave, otherwise you will be forced to undergo a painful, dry, shave. But what ails Kenya's sugar industry? The Kenya sugar industry is under legal siege. The typical Kenyan issue of coming up with laws to tackle a problem is evident here. Many of Kenya's sugar factories are owned by the government, and have slowly decline

Heineken 0.0 Best Alcohol Free Beer

What if you wanted to drink a beer, but without getting drunk? Say, you don’t drink alcohol, or for one reason or another, you are off alcohol. Or perhaps it’s a working day, and you would like to have a cold one in the middle of the day but without all negative effects. Well, you could. Welcome to the world of Alcohol-free beer.  Over the last few days, I’ve been enjoying some Heineken 0.0 rather than the typical beers. Now, Heineken 0.0 is a beer, in the malt lager style as the standard Heineken, the only difference being that all the alcohol has been removed - it contains less than 0.03% alcohol, which counts as safe enough even for those who are pregnant or affected by alcohol, according to Heineken. It smells very close to a Heineken, tastes close to a Heineken, and you even keep taking a piss like you would when drinking a Heineken - but you never get drunk.  How do they remove all the alcohol? From my research, they brew a standard Heineken beer as normal, then use some form

Counterfeit alcohol hits Nairobi

Counterfeit The Famous Grouse    bought at a shop along Nairobi's Dubois road, note the packaging. Dishonest dealers in Kenya are now repackaging various alcohols and selling them off to unsuspecting buyers. The scam appears to target a broad range of popular spirits, including Smirnoff Vodka and The Famous Grouse Whiskey. Various residents have reported that the drinks are sold in shops in down-town Nairobi and cheap clubs. Popular drinks are either substituted with similar looking forms of alcohol or blended with them. Vodka is substituted with chang'aa , a local moonshine drink while brandies are used to dilute, or wholly sold off as more expensive whiskies. There is suspicion that some of the alcohol used in this drinks is diluted industrial alcohol. Industrial alcohol is normally cleared, with tricks such as food colouring and perfume deployed to have the counterfeit alcohol look like the genuine one. The syndicate appears to be recycling bottles which are colle