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25 things about Kenyans.

1. This is a cheer leading nation, we will turn up in large number to cheer for anything, especially if there is something foreign about it. Examples include docking ships carrying military hardware that belongs to neighboring countries, foreign soccer matches aired by now-defunct foreign companies, overturned trailers carrying fuel meant for foreign neighbors etc.
2.Kenyans love drinking, there are no official drinking days; why should there be one . Beer is cheap(yeah, cheaper than soda)
3.Kenyans love free things and offers. Even illiterate Kenyans can read free. Never offer Kenyans anything for free, and expect them to stick around after it is no longer free. they will simply move on top the next free thing. Furthermore, there a national law stating that anything offered free should be free forever.
4.Kenya has among highest number of thieves per capita. In fact, their numbers are so high that they have managed to successfully infiltrate all sectors of the country , managing to export excess services. Do not even trust the police, it is largely infiltrated.
5.Kenyans love certificates. Be it one of death, marriage, observance & cheer leading(1 above), recognition of the exemplary volunteer services(but they will only volunteer if you offer them e certificate).
6.Kenyans love reading; this is only on condition that they will be examined, and you will issue them with certificates.
7.In Kenya, many people, especially women consider “flashing” as a fundamental human right.
8.In Kenya , Prime space is considered as any piece of land that is 0.5 meters off a road, railway or directly beneath high voltage power lines. The right of any Kenyan to posses this land at no or minimal cost is another fundamental right .
9.Kenyans work to get paid. Customers and clients have no direct connection with an employee, they are just random elements that the employee interacts with in their daily quest to get paid.
10.The Nairobi stock exchange is a market consisting of people who believe they can get rich in a second, and people out to rob others. Those are the only two you can find in the NSE.
11.Been a Kenyan, you shall agree that the Kenya Power & Lighting Company has a legal monopoly to supply, interrupt, under-supply and over-supply power at its own discretion.
12.Kenyans do not have any interest whatsoever in the economic state of the country. Even if the economy collapsed today, no one would notice. What we are really interested in, is the political state of our country. We are sensitive of every political statement, misstatement etc. We will believe in our God-Given leaders to lead us along the path they choose, economically.
13.In Kenya, 2 categories of vehicle have absolute right of way: The President's motorcade and Matatus. For matatus, the right of way extends to pavements, trampling of passengers, and driving the wrong way.
14.Kenyans believe that multinational software and music companies operate in Kenya as Open Source Companies & institutions. The same applies to local musicians . Therefore, Kenyans believe that they have the absolute right to copy, distribute, re-distribute and bootleg copies of the companies. works.
15.Only , and I repeat only a Matatu conductor is allowed to walk around carrying several thousands in cash in his hands, displayed for all to see. Even an insurance company would be comfortable with that. Anyone else trying this shall be subject to consequences of 4 above.
16.The main function of the Kenyan Police is to protect matters of National Security. They are also allowed to define what falls under National Security.
17.In Kenya, polythene papers are termed as biodegradable. Just throw them out of your car window, or drop them at your current location. Nature will take care of the rest.
18. Kenyan children are small little devils that deserve to be tortured by been made to study late into the night , then wake up early in the morning to continue with this studies. This devils should also have also have limited holidays, lest they forget that they have to study hard to achieve Vision 2030.
19.Kenyans are very social people. Furthermore, the girls are quite cute. Strangers will; respond to greetings, greet you, and welcome you especially upcountry(unless its around election time and you do not meet the minimum tribal requirements). Socializing with Kenyans is one of the best events south of the Sahara, especially with respect to 2 above.
20.Kenyans are always willing to lend a hand. This is quite true especially in accident scenes, where Kenyans in 19 and $ above will be quite willing to relieve you of your suffering and belongings respectively. Now, if only those who rush to relive you of suffering would learn a few first aid skills, maybe we would reduce the number of people in the spinal injuries ward at Kenyatta National Hospital.
21.In Kenya, Road infrastructure is not a high priority area. After all, how would we be able to know whether the car manufacturers claim of its features are true if we did not offer all Kenyans an equal chance to try this out.
22.In foreigners (especially from the “West”) we trust.
23.The Nairobi City Centre is a collection of thousands of small stalls dealing with same product, small, tiny shop after another, and a few banks. If you are looking for other enterprises, they are well spread around the city, with some in Upper Hill, others on Mombasa Road and others in Westlands.
24.When shopping in Kenya, cost comes before quality. This is despite the cost still being triple the buying price. If you are looking for quality, we wish you the very best, as all shops will stock the same exactly products.
25.In Kenya Disasters are bad misfortunes that rarely occur, and are beyond our control. In that case, we will not bother preparing for them , or taking any precautions whatsoever. We will pray(on the few times that we do so) so that a “muhadhara” can not get us, and we will ask for aid(22 above) . Such disasters include hunger(in Ukambani), floods (in Budalangi) etc. I will avoid mentioning the risk of a fire, coupled with strong dry winds occurring in one of the highly populated estates east of Moi Avenue, where buildings are one continuous mass, occupying any space that once existed.

Comments

Lily said…
What? This is soo sooo so true(84.93% of it) but one would have to be idle to compile the whole list...
Cheers Gramware, very entertaining!

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